Sometimes, a title isn't necessary

I'm cringing at my last post, but I think I just needed to vent. Depression really is not fun. But on a brighter note, I've been feeling great lately! I finally got a job! Granted, it isn't a full time job, but it pays really well per hour and I love it.

A little rant here... but I hate cooking so much. Or perhaps I just hate doing the dishes that are a byproduct of the cooking. I have no dishwasher so it all must be done by hand, and Matt sure as heck ain't going to do it so I do it all.

I've been having a sore throat lately. I'm pretty sure I got it from Matt because he's been pretty sick and he won't go to the doctor, despite my insistence. How annoying is that? I don't understand why men must be so stubborn all the time. I swear, it drives me up the wall. But that could be my grouchiness from the sore throat talking.

Me feeling sorry for myself

I really do wish I was smart. I am so average in just about every single way that it drives me to tears. I wish I had more potential in life. I wish I was prettier, richer, skinnier, taller, and whiter. It seems like nothing comes easy to me in life, absolutely nothing. I take out loans and go to college, but what does that get me? A worthless degree and $40k in debt. I go vegan and I exercise more but have I lost any weight? No, I'm still in the overweight range for my height. I have no money because I can only find a part time job and I was born and raised at slightly above the poverty line so I've never been able to enjoy anything in my life. I'm still only slightly above it because I'm too dumb and untalented to get a real job. I wish I could have gotten a STEM degree but I was too stupid in high school and I didn't understand anything I learned in math or science so I made B's and C's, and the only reason my grades were that high was because I at least tried. I have no idea what my fiance sees in me, seriously. He is the complete opposite of everything I am listing about myself. Other than my fiance I have no friends because I've grown extremely socially awkward over the years and I cannot seem to relate to anyone (other than my cats), no matter how hard I try. I have no skills or expertise in anything. My parents didn't let me be involved with music growing up, even though I know I could have been great at it. I'm 23 and I feel like my life is basically over. I had a job that I loved but I didn't make much money and then I had to move. It wasn't much, but at least I had that. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have gone to college, but I'm glad I did because I met Matt. If I hadn't then my life would definitely be 10x worse.

I'm not sure what the point of all this was. There are moments when I just need to lament and get all of my feelings out and I guess this is one of them. I mourn for the way my life could have been had I just been smarter. Ugh this is so depressing to think about. I'll just go to bed now.